Christmas Eve

 

Our Frist Christmas together in Texas - 1982

It's Christmas Eve morning and I am excited for whatever the day brings especially the coming of the birth of Jesus and the blessings and grace that await each new day.  This morning I’m also reflective with emotions and thoughts about my dad who died 23 years ago on Christmas Morning and my mom who died 27 years ago in November. In my heart I know that they are together in heaven celebrating with Jesus and all those I love who have gone home to glory and that brings peace and comfort to my heart.

My heart is also filled with so much gratitude because my parents left us with so many wonderful traditions and family memories, family was everything to them. They always instilled in us a spirit of gratitude and unconditional love, and I am so grateful that never was there ever a time that I talked to my mom or dad that I did not tell them how much I loved them.

I was by mom’s side when she drew her last breath and I saw the love in her eyes as she was leaving this world for the next. And four years later I had the grace of talking with my dad less than 12 hours before he died. In that conversation he reminded me that I was his “baby girl” or as he would tell me in his sweet Italian accent “his littlest flower”. Daddy was an avid farmer/gardener with the greenest of thumbs and with three daughters he would always tell me that he had three flowers. And I was the baby sister of the family and his “littlest flower”. There is no sadness in these memories, only gratitude for the grace of them.

However, over the years since my parents deaths it’s been my experience that grief comes in waves. Some years and sometimes the waves lap at my feet, other years they knock me over with a power I don’t see coming.

This year the waves are overwhelming and I’m feeling the loss of my parents in a powerful way.   Maybe that is because our whole family was all together just a few weeks ago celebrating an early Christmas. It was a blessed and joyous time, but a few days later my beloved brother-in-love experienced a medical emergency and he is still in the hospital with a long and slow recovery. The distance in miles doesn't help, but keeping him, my sister and our family close in prayer brings peace  

I've seen those posts circulating around social media about this time of year and that not everyone is experiencing the joys of this season, I get it and I can relate. I also know that my attitude and perspective is up to me and so more often than not, despite how I may be feeling, I make a choice to press on, hold tight to the memories and traditions that I know I was blessed to have been given, to move forward in love and hope, look for and find the  joy in the journey, and if I am having trouble finding the joy to bring the joy.  

I have been walking through the this Advent season with Hallow and along with my beloved we have dove deep into some of my old family traditions, baking, cooking, making pastas and bread and cookies and in between our work responsibilities making the most out of each day.

For me there is great joy in this beautiful season and the birth of Jesus, and while it is mingled with sadness, loss, and remembrance of those who have passed on and are no longer with us. It is all a blessing, its a reminder that life is short and time is precious and fleeting.  

We also miss those who can't be with us by distance, choice, circumstance, estrangement, strained and broken relationships, whatever the reasons, for there are so many different scenarios, situations, and circumstances as there are people in our lives.  I pray that wherever I find myself, that I am present to those around me and to the grace that always abounds. 

And as I walk into the beauty of the Nativity and the coming of our Lord baby Jesus that my heart is a wide open, fitting, empty, humble and transparent dwelling place for my Lord to dwell.